Dealing withGuilt

00:10“I am tired of feeling guilty!”

I am tired of feeling guilty!

00:29A talk about guilt

Thank you very much for inviting me to speak to you today about guilt. What a topic to talk about!

00:37A telephone survey

Well, you know that I found out there was a company that made a telephone survey. They called thousands of people thousands, but out of those thousands there was one thousand and three adults who said, "Okay, I am willing to respond to you to your questions."

00:58Three numbers

So, three numbers that I'm going to give you. First is 70 percent. 70 percent of the people accepted they were guilty after the event. Now, only 11 percent of them say, "I knew that what I was doing was wrong." And out of all these people, 13 percent of them, they woke up feeling guilty. Waking up feeling guilty. Don't you think it's an interesting thing? That's why we ask these questions, right?

01:40Why do you feel guilty?

Why do you feel guilty? What is what did you do? And who told you that you were guilty? There was something inside, right? Inside of you.

01:53Did somebody invent guilt?

Is guilt something that somebody invented? And if that person invented that, why this person invented such a thing?

02:05Five reasons people feel guilty

Speaking with people, most of them they say, "Well, I feel guilty because I feel that I was hurting somebody or I let someone down. And that caused pain, disappointment. Sometimes it's because I didn't spend enough time with them." The second reason why people feel guilty, they say, is because they were lying or hiding the truth. Pretty much the same thing. The third reason why people feel guilty in general is because they know they did something wrong. However, there is a fourth reason why people feel guilty. Is when they feel that they are not living up to what others are expecting of them or even themselves. But to me, the most interesting answer, number five, is when people feel guilty. Although they are okay, but they feel guilty because someone was not okay. And that makes them feel that is not fair. Don't you think it's interesting that?

03:23Rules, instructions or trust

In general, we can say that guilt is the result of failing to rules, instructions, or trust. But deep down is a conviction of a wrongdoing.

03:38Two authors: Watchman Nee and Tim LaHaye

There are two authors that I will suggest you to research yourselves as students of behavior. One is Watchman Nee. His book is called The Spiritual Man. The second author is Tim LaHaye. His book is called Theory of Temperaments. Those two books are pretty interesting. I think that the points of Watchman Nee about classifying or else, actually, he does this subdivision of a man calling the spiritual men in three sections. I'm not going to spoil the story. Investigate is an interesting point, what he presents. Now, Tim LaHaye, on the other hand, he's talking about temperaments. And that is such a cool theory. There are many tests today that people do about temperaments, behavior. Even in some companies, they like to do this type of personality test. I like the theory of temperaments. I think it's pretty accurate. Well,

05:06The conscience

one of the things that Watchman Nee says is part of a human being, and we all might agree on this, is the conscience. And here's a very interesting question.

05:20What is a dead conscience?

What is a dead conscience? Some people might think that when someone doesn't feel a thing, whether they are doing wrong things or they have said bad things to others, some people say, "It seems like this person has a dead conscience." In the court of law, you will find cases of individuals that are convicted to prison and they still don't think that they have done anything wrong.

05:55Feeling convicted is a good thing

But if you are, let's say, like most of us, that feels convicted of something that you have done wrong once in a while, I will say it's a good thing. Personally, I think it's a good thing when I feel convicted that I did something wrong, not because I like to beat myself up. It's not healthy to do that, of course. But I think that when there are mistakes, it's important to reason, first of all, with yourself. Some people call that meditation. Others, they call them reflection. Other people say, "Well, I do a devotion every day between me and God and the Bible."

06:43Take time to reflect

The point is taking your time to reflect about what happened.

06:50Talk to a counselor or mentor

Some individuals, they like to talk to a therapist, a counselor, a mentor. I think those are great options for anybody. However,

07:04Not at a bar

some people think the way to reflect about their problems is to go to a bar and while they are there drinking or getting high, speaking with someone about those problems is a good idea. I don't think so. This is not going to go well at all. In all cases, you are going to speak with somebody. This person has to be someone with wisdom. And then is when you will realize that just talking is not going to fix anything.

07:40A godly mentor

It's the importance of having a godly mentor in your life. Now, guilt is an issue and, of course, there are reasons why we become guilty and eventually we want to get out of that feeling. Well, that's true.

08:02People who remind you of your mistakes

But what about individuals that like to remind you about your mistakes? And I know you know more than one person that loves to tell you, "Don't try to play good boy with me because I know what you have done." I know the kind of person you are. The person you are, maybe you were, maybe you did. Perhaps you are guilty of what you did, but that doesn't mean that you still will continue those type of things. The fact that you came to this talk with me and appreciate that one more time for inviting me to come, it's a good sign that you are moving forward. Unfortunately, those individuals that are very strong and criticizing you, they don't help. Unfortunately, not just

09:01When the environment is the reminder

them. Sometimes the environment is the reminder. And I am talking about material things around you. Imagine if you made terrible mistakes with your finances. Imagine that. And then you had a lot and now you have very little. Imagine health problems. Now you don't have those abilities that you used to have. It's a problem. What about individuals that even died because of your mistakes or others that have some difficulties in their lives caused by your actions? The environment also reminds you about that.

09:51Guilt is good to a certain degree

Again, guilt is good to a certain degree, of course, when you are willing to learn lessons. You know? That's why you have to reflect. And while you are reflecting about what you have done in order to move forward from guilt,

10:08Acknowledge what you did was wrong

you have to acknowledge that what you did was wrong. And what is what happens when you do that? It's tremendous because it's giving you humility. And to a certain degree, it's going to teach you to fear the law.

10:28Gravity is a law

Gravity is a law. If you don't respect that law, your body is going to tell you that was a wrong thing to do. But there are many laws that you know, civil laws, etc.

10:43Learn lessons

Your mistakes are going to teach you great lessons. And if you are intelligent, you are going to start to learn to acknowledge certain things that you did that they were wrong, and you will say, "I don't want to do that ever again." And imagine if you have tremendous problems with credit cards and debts, you will say, "I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to do that."

11:12The fear of God's punishment

You know, the other aspect that is positive about feeling guilty is that you are going to start to fear punishments from God. And somebody might say, "I don't get it. I thought that you guys, you Christians, you are people that believe in the mercy of God." And of course, we believe in the mercy of God. But also we know that there are laws, divine laws, biblical laws, and there is punishment also.

11:46A life after this life

You know what is good about feeling guilty? Also is to start to believe that there is a life after this human life, an afterlife. And when you start to think about the potential death of yours, you will probably start to fear that and say to yourself, "What am I doing with my life? Is this going to be an issue with the Lord God?" And for many people, guilt is simply the result of bad actions, evil desires, sinful desires, selfish desires. But what is what we need to do? If you are with me on this and you say, "You know what, Dr. G, I feel you. My heart is with you and I get it."

12:45The solution: replace your thoughts

What is the solution to those problems? Well, my friend, the thing is we need to start replacing our thoughts. You know, we need to start to have good thinking. And good thinking is the result of things that we are exposed to. Books, conversations, talks like this. And when we start to replace those thoughts, you know what is

13:14Replace your words and actions

the next thing we do? We start to replace our own words, what we are talking, and consequently, our actions. One of the things that a lot of people have trouble with when they are moving forward is to believe in themselves.

13:34Do you believe in yourself?

So do you believe in yourself, my friend? Do you believe in yourself? What a question, right? So many people have trouble with that. And I will

13:53Believe in the Lord God

tell you, if you want to believe in yourself, you need to start believing in the Lord God. Because when you believe in the Lord God, you will start to take the Bible, for example, as a great source of inspiration to find out how much the Lord God loves you. Of course, there are tons of great authors writing phenomenal books, like the ones that I mentioned to you earlier. But there are wonderful writers with phenomenal, phenomenal teachings, audio books, videos, books. And if you pay attention, if you want to really change your thinking, to change your speaking, to change your actions, find the Lord God. Find the Lord God, and He is right there waiting for you to just say, "Okay, I'm willing. Believe in the Lord God, and then you will start to believe in yourself." When you believe in yourself, you see, even the reminders from people, or the circumstances, you will say, "Hey, wait a minute.

15:13Guilty, but forgiven

It's true I did that, guilty, but you know what? I'm forgiven."

15:19The beauty of the gospel

That is the beauty about the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ. It takes us to this magnificent place of grace, when we can change our habits, and we are going to start paying attention to the cycles.

15:36Behavioral cycles

Cycles? What cycles? Well, I will tell you the cycles of the week, the cycles of the month, the cycles of the year. Have you noticed that we are in cycles? And of course, you know about calendars and all that. I'm not talking about those type of cycles. I'm talking about the behavioral cycles. When things are going great, what is what you do? And then when things are going not that great, what is what you do? Those cycles. That's what I am talking about. I have

16:15Nobody gets drunk on a Friday night

said to many people, "Nobody gets drunk on a Friday night without planning it on Monday morning." Because everything at the end is the result of what we want to do. You understand that, right?

16:30The grace of God

There is something so powerful about the grace of God. It's magnificent. It's how you can move forward. But remember that there are people that they just love to abuse the grace of God. You know, there are individuals, even in churches, that are pretty radical about those who failed. And they said, "No, you know what? He did this, and there is no way that we can accept this person in our group, in our family, in our company, etc." Grace is that. You give to people a next opportunity, a second chance.

17:08Consequences you can't remove

You have to understand that there are some consequences of your actions that you can't remove or fix. Some things are just there.

17:21Grace enough for all of us

Still, there is grace enough for all of us. That is why what we need is to change our views about everything. And one of the things that I suggest you to change,

17:37Restitution

it's about restitution. For many of you, perhaps tonight, this word is new. Restitution. And you are just thinking, "What's that? It's a sauce for my spaghetti? It's a type of fruit." No, no, no. Restitution is not an app either.

18:00Make peace with others

Restitution is a magnificent way where you can try to make peace with others. It is impossible to pay back to people for the wrongdoings we have done. Some things, it's just impossible. Things that were done and you can't fix, remove, replace certain things, broken, destroyed, whatever, time. How can you give to somebody x number of years? That type of thing. So you are not talking about paying back, but restitution is in your attempt to make peace with others, you will try to find out what is what you could do to help the person forgive you. Therefore, you have to talk to this individual. Making peace with others is going to help you greatly in your process to get out of the guilt

19:09The guilt bubble

bubble. You know that guilt, it is like a bubble. It's a great dark bubble that some people are inside of that thing. You see like a sphere and there are two legs walking there, but the bubble goes everywhere. You don't want to stay there even by being believers, but they are still in that bubble. It's just the two legs. You picture, you get the idea.

19:39Not everybody will forgive you

In order to get out of there, the grace of God and make peace with the rest. Some people might forgive you, not everybody. Some people might even be willing to restart their relationship, not everybody. But even if some don't, well, you accept it and you do the right thing. You ask for forgiveness, you try to make peace and be careful with those individuals that like to take you to the guilty trip. Oh, they are somewhere and you know what happens with them. They like to control you by doing that.

20:16A structured life

Rather, you move with the grace of God, doing the right thing and then you try to live a new life that is an structured life. A structured life. People say a structured life. Oh, I don't like the sound of that. Structure makes me feel of something boring, old fashioned, restricted. I don't like that. No, no, no, no, no, no, my friend. A structured life talks about something that is organized, that is clean, is in order, you know. That is what that means.

20:59You can inspire others

And think about this, my friend. Imagine you are guilty or were guilty, condemned, whatever, convicted. But now through the grace of God and through the knowledge of these principles that I am sharing with you, you become a different type of person. Imagine how many people you can inspire if they see you different, respecting the rules, for example, having an organized life, a structured life, clean and in order. Can you imagine how many people you could inspire by doing that? My friend, you can influence others. And more importantly, by becoming a respectful person, you will please the Lord God. What could be better than that? It is the freedom that a righteous life can bring you. Therefore, in the

22:03Handle your own sins

process of getting better, you are going to learn how to handle your own sins. And this is something very interesting because as a human, you are always, for the rest of your life, going to have wrong thoughts once in a while. And perhaps you even will say or do bad things. So you have to learn to handle your own sins. How? Well, not that you are going just to go back to a dead conscience.

22:34Be gracious with yourself

No, but you are going to learn to be gracious with yourself. You are going to be gracious with yourself. You say, my objective is to change. But even when you are failing, please pay attention. You will fail. I will fail. We are imperfect people, but in our attempt to get better, while we face the sin, the mistake, the bad behavior, we are going to repeat the same things

23:10Pray in your private place

that we know. We come into our private place to pray to the Lord God. If you like on your knees, you open your heart and you say, Lord God, help me to be different. Forgive me in the name of Jesus. May your Holy Spirit come back inside of me. I need you Lord God. And that is beautiful, my friend, because it's a great thing to learn that God is graceful. He is. And He wants you to have a graceful life. That's why you have to aim for a righteous life with integrity, my friend.

23:51Psalm 1

That is why I want to close reading with you. Psalm number one. And it says, great blessings belong to those who don't listen to evil advice. They love the Lord's teachings and think about them day and night so they grow strong like a tree planted by a stream. A tree that produces fruit when it should and has leaves that never fall. Everything they do is successful. See you next time here, my friend.

24:27A little humor

Hey, do you know how many psychotherapists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but it will need nine more sessions. Hey, my friend, do you know what's a therapist favorite type of music? Soul music. Oh, and what is his favorite type of food? No, no, no. It's not soul food. No, it's not. It is simply meat. All right. I will close with this one. What did the therapist say to the procrastinating patient? We will deal with that next session or the one after that.

Transcribed from the video and lightly corrected. Spoken words are kept as Dr. Gian said them.