Life Lessons · Special message on grief
Don't numb the pain, navigate it: how to feel the weight of loss without shutting down or becoming cold
“There is a journey each one of us must take, and we will take it alone. It is the journey we all fear.”
Some of us face it with great faith. Not everyone does.
“If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, I hope this message helps you, even in a small way. Please accept my condolences.”
Death is not a small thing
In this fast paced world we live in, everything pushes us to move on quickly.
“Even death is often treated as a small thing, it is not.”
“Death is serious and it affects us deeply in many ways.”
Add to that the coldness of some people who deal with death, the harshness of the legal and medical process, the shock of the loss itself, and your own overwhelming uncertainty. How do we manage all that?
“Sorry, but it’s time to move on”
And somehow, almost everyone adds pressure with the same message: “Sorry, but it’s time to move on.”
Move on? Really? What do you think just happened? How can you tell me to move on?
“It does not matter whether the one who died was the most wonderful person in your life, the source of your deepest affirmation, or simply a beloved pet. You are grieving.”
Some people talk about closure as if it were a closet. You take out the clothes, give them away, and you are done. What are they thinking?
“No one can fully understand your feelings because you are you.”
“You know, only God knows exactly how you feel.”
Where is God in all of this?
Then the question comes.
“Where is God in all of this? Why did He allow it?”
Is God real? Where is my loved one now? Where is heaven?
“Take a deep breath, please.”
Please. Now take another deep breath.
“I am with you on this. I understand it’s painful. What if we do this together, my friend?”
Let’s understand our feelings and our pain, because without that understanding, we cannot operate at all.
“You have to become functional again.”
You want to find the light. You want to know the next step. You may not feel ready to walk yet, but you know you need to take that single step.
Wrestling with God
I have heard many stories of grief, and perhaps the most heartbreaking are those of mothers who have lost a child. I have seen mothers wrestle with God over that loss. It breaks my heart. The prayers, the questions, and they cannot even find any answer that might give them peace.
I read in the Bible about a man who also wrestled with God. In Genesis 32, Jacob would not let God go until God blessed him, and that night his name was changed from Jacob to Israel. “I want to be blessed, and I know God can bless me.” So he decided: I’m not going to let God go.
“Wrestling with God means bringing every feeling to the front of your mind, the memories, the pain, the resentment, the frustration.”
You tell Him all of it, even though He already knows.
“And that is what we call prayer.”
An honest, deep conversation between you and God, where no one else can be or needs to be. It is so private and personal that it is almost like a secret.
The silence
In those talks with God, you may become so exhausted from crying and lamenting that the tears and the words simply run out. You go to sleep crying and praying, and you wake up crying and praying.
“You know you’re crying, but there are no more tears.”
“And then comes the silence, the emptiness in your soul, the absence of voices and the ordinary noise of people together because you are alone.”
“If you are there in that place in life, maybe I can help. Will you allow me?”
A going away party
“My friend, death is inevitable. You, I, and everyone else will make that journey alone.”
In fact, our lives are moving toward that moment. It is not entirely final, but in human terms, it is.
I have a friend who is planning a going away party for a loved one with a terminal illness, who is ready to go to the Lord. There will be food, and every person will say whatever they feel they need to say, including the one who is going away. It might sound morbid, but for that family, it is something they want to do.
Earthly death also brings other matters to consider: assets, debts, relationships and legacy, burial or cremation. All those things are going to be in your mind.
I wonder whether my parents, who are in heaven, would have wanted that kind of going away party, and what they would have said to me. I don’t know.
Isaac was comforted
“But in Genesis 24:67, I read that Isaac brought Rebecca into the tent where his mother had lived before she died.”
“He loved her and he was comforted after the loss of his mother.”
The comfort that Rebecca brought to Isaac is really a mystery for many people. Think about the person you lost. The bedroom, the kitchen, the living room, a vehicle, a computer, clothes: many of those things are part of the memories that you and this person built together.
Now imagine Isaac: in the same tent where his mother had lived, he is with Rebecca, creating new memories.
Most people say that is what men do. Well, in Genesis chapter 25, we read that Abraham did exactly that as well. He married Keturah.
Do what you can, as soon as you can
“Some people might think, there is nothing left for me to do on earth. I want to go to heaven.”
“But only our Lord God knows the time of our departure, my friend.”
Think of what you might still be able to do, and do what you can, as soon as you can, to please God in memory of those who are gone.
Another piece of biblical counsel.
“Do not take part in strange practices, my friend, such as celebrating the Day of the Dead or trying to be in contact with the dead.”
Read the scriptures about it: Deuteronomy 18:10-12, Isaiah 8:19, Leviticus 19:31 and Matthew 22:32. It’s not what the Lord God wants.
So is tomorrow
“Do you realize that today babies are being born?”
High school students are planning college, and couples in love are dreaming of a wedding. Many others are excited about their careers, their jobs, their businesses, their first car or a move to a new house.
“As you and I understand that nobody can truly comprehend your pain, remember there is one true God in heaven who loves you very much.”
John chapter 3 verse 16 declares that the Lord God loves the world, including you, so much that He sent His only Son, Jesus, to die for you.
“If you need to ask God for forgiveness today, do it, my friend.”
Make your peace with the Lord God, and receive that forgiveness in the name of Jesus, my friend.
Share this with someone who is grieving.
Read along
Scriptures in this message
- 04:56Jacob wrestles with God and will not let Him go until He blesses him (on screen)Genesis 32:22-32
- 09:52Isaac was comforted after the loss of his mother (on screen)Genesis 24:67
- 11:20Abraham married Keturah (told)Genesis 25:1
- 12:08Do not try to be in contact with the dead (on screen)Deuteronomy 18:10-12; Isaiah 8:19; Leviticus 19:31
- 12:08He is not the God of the dead but of the living (on screen)Matthew 22:32
- 13:03God so loved the world (quoted, on screen)John 3:16
Jump to
Key moments
- 00:44The journey we all fear
- 00:57If you are grieving
- 01:09Death is not a small thing
- 01:29The coldness, the harshness, the shock
- 01:49"Sorry, but it's time to move on"
- 02:18You are grieving
- 02:33Closure is not a closet
- 02:45Only God knows exactly how you feel
- 03:02Where is God in all of this?
- 03:22Take a deep breath
- 03:32I am with you on this
- 03:42Understand your feelings and your pain
- 03:57Become functional again
- 04:17Mothers who have lost a child
- 04:56Genesis 32: Jacob wrestled with God
- 05:40Wrestling with God because somebody died
- 06:00Bring every feeling to Him
- 06:19That is what we call prayer
- 06:38When the tears run out
- 07:11The silence
- 07:35Maybe I can help
- 07:47Death is inevitable
- 08:09A going away party
- 09:12Assets, debts, relationships and legacy
- 09:30What would my parents have said?
- 09:52Genesis 24:67: Isaac was comforted
- 10:27Memories in every room
- 10:56Creating new memories
- 11:20Genesis 25: Abraham married Keturah
- 11:40Only God knows the time of our departure
- 11:54Do what you can, in memory of those who are gone
- 12:08Do not take part in strange practices
- 12:35Today babies are being born
- 13:03God loves you: John 3:16
- 13:30Make your peace with the Lord God
Questions this message answers
Questions & answers.
Why does "it's time to move on" hurt so much when you are grieving?
Because death is serious and it affects us deeply in many ways. Dr. Gian: "Even death is often treated as a small thing, it is not." Whether you lost the most wonderful person in your life or simply a beloved pet, you are grieving, and no one can fully understand your feelings because you are you. "Only God knows exactly how you feel."
How do you face grief without shutting down?
Start by understanding your feelings and your pain, "because without that understanding, we cannot operate at all." You have to become functional again: you want to find the light and know the next step. You may not feel ready to walk yet, but you know you need to take that single step.
What does it mean to wrestle with God in grief?
It means bringing every feeling to the front of your mind, the memories, the pain, the resentment, the frustration, and telling God all of it, even though He already knows. "And that is what we call prayer." Jacob wrestled with God in Genesis 32 and would not let Him go until God blessed him.
Does the Bible show comfort and new memories after a loss?
Yes: Genesis 24:67 says Isaac brought Rebecca into the tent where his mother had lived, and he was comforted after the loss of his mother. In the same tent, he was creating new memories with Rebecca. Genesis 25 tells that Abraham did the same: he married Keturah.
Should a Christian try to contact the dead or celebrate the Day of the Dead?
No: Dr. Gian's counsel is not to take part in strange practices, such as celebrating the Day of the Dead or trying to be in contact with the dead, "because it's not what the Lord God wants." The scriptures on the screen: Deuteronomy 18:10-12, Isaiah 8:19, Leviticus 19:31 and Matthew 22:32.
Full transcript Read
00:44The journey we all fear
There is a journey each one of us must take, and we will take it alone. It is the journey we all fear. Some of us face it with great faith, not everyone does.
00:57If you are grieving
If you are grieving the loss of a loved one, I hope this message helps you, even in a small way. Please accept my condolences.
01:09Death is not a small thing
In this fast paced world we live in, everything pushes us to move on quickly. Even death is often treated as a small thing, it is not. Death is serious and it affects us deeply in many ways.
01:29The coldness, the harshness, the shock
Add to that the coldness of some people who deal with death, the harshness of legal and medical process, the shock of the loss itself, and your own overwhelming uncertainty. How do we manage all that?
01:49"Sorry, but it's time to move on"
And somehow, almost everyone adds pressure with the same message. Sorry, but it's time to move on. Move on, really? Move on. What do you think just happened? Did my phone break? How dare you? How can you tell me to move on?
02:18You are grieving
It does not matter whether the one who died was the most wonderful person in your life, the source of your deepest affirmation, or simply a beloved pet. You are grieving.
02:33Closure is not a closet
Some people talk about closure as if it were a closet. You take out the clothes, give them away, and you are done. What are they thinking?
02:45Only God knows exactly how you feel
You live life the only way you know how. No one can fully understand your feelings because you are you. You know, only God knows exactly how you feel.
03:02Where is God in all of this?
Correct? Then the question comes. Where is God in all of this? Why did He allow it? Is God real? Where is my loved one now? Where is God? Where is heaven?
03:22Take a deep breath
Take a deep breath, please. Please. Now take another deep breath.
03:32I am with you on this
I am with you on this. I understand it's painful. What if we do this together, my friend?
03:42Understand your feelings and your pain
Let's understand our feelings and our pain because without that understanding, we cannot operate at all. And that is not what we hope for.
03:57Become functional again
You have to become functional again. You want to find the light. You want to know the next step. Choose one because you don't feel ready to walk yet. You know you need to take that single step.
04:17Mothers who have lost a child
I have heard many stories of grief, and perhaps the most heartbreaking are those of mothers who have lost a child. I have seen mothers wrestle with God over that loss. I have seen them. It breaks my heart. It's really overwhelming. The prayers, the questions, and they cannot even find any answer that might give them peace. They wrestle with God.
04:56Genesis 32: Jacob wrestled with God
You know that I read in the Bible about a man who also wrestled with God. In Genesis 32, verses 22 through 32, the account says that he will not let God go until God bless him. It was then that his name was changed from Jacob to Israel. Did you know that? That particular night, Jacob struggled with the idea. I want to be blessed, and I know God can bless me. So he decided I'm not going to let God go.
05:40Wrestling with God because somebody died
Somehow that's the struggle. That is the moment of wrestling between anybody with God because somebody died. Perhaps that's your case. I don't know. But I have seen that.
06:00Bring every feeling to Him
Wrestling with God means bringing every feeling to the front of your mind, the memories, the pain, the resentment, the frustration. You tell him all of it, even though he already knows.
06:19That is what we call prayer
And that is what we call prayer. An honest, deep conversation between you and God where no one else can be or needs to be. It is so private and personal that is almost like a secret.
06:38When the tears run out
In those talks with God, you may become so exhausted from crying and lamenting that the tears and the words simply run out. You go to sleep crying and praying, and you wake up crying and praying to the point that suddenly you feel the pain. You know you're crying, but there are no more tears.
07:11The silence
And then comes the silence, the emptiness in your soul, the absence of voices and the ordinary noise of people together because you are alone. The silence. Silence, my friend.
07:35Maybe I can help
If you are there in that place in life, maybe I can help. Will you allow me? Please.
07:47Death is inevitable
My friend, death is inevitable. You, I, and everyone else will make that journey alone. In fact, our lives are moving toward that moment. It is not entirely final, but in human terms, it is. You know.
08:09A going away party
I have a friend who is planning a loved one's going away party. And I said, what do you mean by that? He says, well, this relative of mine has an illness that is a terminal illness. So we decided that the best thing to do because it's ready to go to the Lord is to have this going away, going away party. And I said, what's the plan? So he says, well, we will have food. We are going to be talking and every person will say whatever they they feel that they need to say, including the one person that is going away. A going away party, I thought. You know, it might sound morbid, but for that family, it is something that they want to do.
09:12Assets, debts, relationships and legacy
On the other hand, earthly death brings other matters to consider: assets, debts, relationships and legacy, burial or cremation. All those things are going to be in your mind.
09:30What would my parents have said?
You know, I wonder whether my parents who are in heaven will have wanted that kind of going away party. And if it had happened, I wonder what they would have said to me. I don't know.
09:52Genesis 24:67: Isaac was comforted
But in Genesis 24:67, I read that Isaac brought Rebecca into the tent where his mother had lived before she died. And Rebecca became his wife. He loved her and he was comforted after the loss of his mother. The comfort that Rebecca brought to Isaac is really a mystery for many people. That makes sense.
10:27Memories in every room
When you think about whomever the person that you lost is gone and you think about for example, in a house, bedroom, kitchen, living room, a vehicle, a computer, clothes, many of those things are part of the memories that you and this person built together, created together.
10:56Creating new memories
Now imagine that like in the case of Isaac, he brought this lady to live with him, to marry her and now in the same location, in the same tent it says, he is with Rebecca creating new memories.
11:20Genesis 25: Abraham married Keturah
That to me is something interesting that I see quite often. Most people say, well, that is what men do. Women don't do that. Well, in Genesis chapter 25, we read that Abraham did exactly that as well. He married Keturah.
11:40Only God knows the time of our departure
Some people might think, there is nothing left for me to do on earth. I want to go to heaven. But only our Lord God knows the time of our departure, my friend.
11:54Do what you can, in memory of those who are gone
Think of what you might still be able to do and do what you can, as soon as you can, to please God in memory of those who are gone.
12:08Do not take part in strange practices
Another piece of biblical counsel. Do not take part in strange practices, my friend, such as celebrating the Day of the Dead or trying to be in contact with the dead. There are scriptures here on the screen that I would like you to read about it because it's not what the Lord God wants.
12:35Today babies are being born
Do you realize that today babies are being born? High school students are planning college and couples in love are dreaming of a wedding. Many others are excited about their careers. Their jobs, their businesses, their first car or a move to a new house.
13:03God loves you: John 3:16
As you and I understand that nobody can truly comprehend your pain, remember there is one true God in heaven who loves you very much. John chapter 3 verse 16 declares that the Lord God loves the world, including you so much that he sent his only Son, Jesus, to die for you.
13:30Make your peace with the Lord God
If you need to ask God for forgiveness today, do it, my friend. Make your peace with the Lord God and receive that forgiveness in the name of Jesus, my friend.
Transcribed from the video and lightly corrected. Spoken words are kept as Dr. Gian said them.